I was called to the boardroom today. Yes, called to the boardroom like in The Apprentice. Similarly, I was there to get a job and similarly I had to stand out like a stream of bat’s piss i.e. shine out like a shaft of gold when all around is dark.
I got to the boardroom 20mins before the group interview was slated to start. During these 20mins, I got my chance to chat with the Managing Director and one of the general managers. I took the opportunity to expose myself a little before more of my fellow job scavengers arrived. Expose a little of my background and pathetic work experiences that is. Not my body. I would need to pay for a major dry cleaning of the carpet to clear away the puke if I’d exposed my body. Something I can’t afford now, so I’ll save the exposure of my body to a later time in the future.
I was offered the coffee, tea and biscuits placed on one shelf in the boardroom before the interview officially starts. I was tempted to cram every single of the biscuits into my vortex, even the plate, since I’d missed my lunch. But I figured it’s a bad move. Getting your potential bosses to perform the Heimlich manoeuvre on you in the first meeting is definitely not good for impression, though it’ll be lasting. Neither is raining biscuit crumbs on their faces every time I talk to them a good idea. Worst that can happen is the biscuit getting stuck to your teeth and for the next hour of interview, everyone knows whether you had butter or chocolate flavour. Or both. In the end, I didn’t even eat a single crumb. It must have been a test. To see who has the tendency to pilfer office supplies if employed probably. After all, none of the 5 other people in the room even went near the biscuits.
The advertisement a few weeks ago specifically ask for bright graduates hot from the oven to apply for the various positions. Today, the boardroom smelled so fresh when we’re all inside that there’s no need for air freshener. Except for a certain corner of course. The candidate there was no doubt very fresh, in 1997 that is. Now, armed with an arsenal of almost a decade of work experiences, she’s like a stale fish trying to grab up the best spot in the supermarket freezer. That may not bode well for me because she happened to be one of the three others in my interview group vying for the same position as me. Then again, her experiences may work for her as well as against her.
More than half the candidates came from overseas universities, particularly from the Land of Oz. I was trying hard to suppress an urge to shout out ‘G’day!’ to them. Eventually it came out feebly when I cornered one of these local education quitters. I believed it came out sounding like ‘Go Die’ instead, judging from the shocked look I got in return. I jest of course. I just gave them a very Singapore greeting: ‘Wah...today hot hot day ah. Lucky here got air conditioner.’ This was one sentence I lived to regret later. Not half an hour into the interview, I was suffering from goose bumps and chattering teeth. Icicles were even starting to form. M Hotel, where I’d my interview, must be catering to Eskimo clientele considering how low they’d set the temperature of the air conditioner. Thank goodness some kind soul got them to adjust the temperature up for the remaining duration. Otherwise, they would have to drag me to the street to thaw.
The interview went pretty much like any individual interview with the usual sections like 'Summarise-your-miserable-life-story-to-just-1-minute' and ‘Brag-about-yourself-so-we'll-clamour-for-you’. Competition was tough. Aside from a couple of black holes, everyone else was bat’s piss. So I’d the challenge of being the brightest and most powerful stream of bat’s piss. This, I’d to admit I didn’t manage to be. But I was quite satisfied with my performance nonetheless, especially the last section.
In the last section, we’re divided into group of threes. Each group had to come out with a summarize proposal for a business conference and the rationale behind the choice of industry. A tad like The Apprentice, except we must be smarter, because we’re only given 10 minutes. Did up a pretty good proposal, though as usual, only one third of what I intended to say I actually did presented. At the end of the presentation, one of the girls in my group was looking at me with such adoring eyes that could melt butter. She praised that I was smart, which was obvious since the word ‘Smart’ is etched on my forehead. She just didn’t notice the other word which’s covered by my hair: Ass.
Oh well, at least getting a praise from a pretty girl is better than nothing. Hopefully, those in the second interview group are all morons and I'll only have to contend with those in my interview group. Still, I’m hoping to win the grand prize i.e. land the job.