At my age, with my kind of sedentary lifestyle, there are two rules when it comes to taking the yearly army fitness test, IPPT.
Rule number 1: Always train adequately before taking the test.
Rule number 2: Always making sure your body is not aching before taking the test.
I broke both rules and the result couldn't be more obvious.
I was thinking of getting my IPPT done and over with early, even though there is still five months before my window closes. So on Monday, I went for a run for the first time in ages and felt up to it at the end of it. Tuesday, I was aching all over and had to walk like a stiff. By Wednesday, I wasn't aching so much, so I booked my IPPT for Thursday, which was yesterday.
As usual, the IPPT started off with a briefing by the same Warrant Officer I see each time I go. And as usual, he doled out his oh-I-eat-more-salt-than-you-eat-rice-so-must-listen-to-lim-bei advices. Then he would attempt to crack jokes. Jokes that I've outgrown a long time ago, after I left full time national service. Those who don't laugh, he'll say we're too serious and pans out his lim bei advices again. Well, it's not we who are serious. It's his jokes that are not funny anymore!
Anyway, while queuing for my number tag, I tried to be within the uncles. At least I won't be as stress out compared to being assigned to a detail full of muscular fitness freaks who throbs their chest muscle every now and then as if suffering from spasms. Sadly, there weren't enough uncles to go around yesterday, but still I'd a well mixed group.
The first three stations went smoothly, scoring full points in each. Then came the killer -- chin-up.
I needed to do six to pass and I managed to squeeze six. However, the beastly instructor doing the counting counted as five.
'Chin not above the bar,' he said, referring to my sixth chin-up.
I retorted, 'But my chin touched the bar!'
'Chin not above the bar,' he repeated.
'Hey man, give me break. I'm an NSman. NSmen are expected to chin touch the bar, not above it!'
'Chin not above the bar,' came the response.
'Parallax error!' I countered, getting desperate.
'Chin not above the bar,' replied the unfeeling robot.
Basket banana! Young people nowadays just hold no respect for their elders! I may have the bigger paunch between the two of us, but I definitely don't have the bigger say. Tsk! Indignant,
I showed him half a peace sign with a wide grin.
I jest of course. I'm a non-confrontational guy. As such, the argument and half a peace sign didn't surfaced at all. I just took my failure with a shrug, noting the instructor's name and reminded myself to visit the temple with a paper doll and clogs over the weekend.
Thus for the first time in years, my IPPT ended at the static stations. What a waste. The day was so cloudy and breezy, with shades all around. I should have no problem with passing my 2.4km run.
So go run anyway, some may be thinking. Well, balls to the run. No point wasting my energy and I've got tons of VCDs waiting to be watched in any case. Hence, I pulled out of the test and went home.
As if to say I made the right decision, the sky started drizzling just before I reached the bus stop and turned into rain not long after. Ha! Don't you just love the rain sometimes?
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
Re: Letter from a sincere friend
Dear Jane,
I apologise for my tardiness in responding to your reply regarding my offer to you as a guest writer. I have been very busy lately with my part time job as a budding self employed film critic. In the past week, I had to complete my personal minimum quota of 12 movies and had loomed precariously close to the deadline several times.
In fact, my latest deadline is the end of today; otherwise I will risk being whack on the head with the Yellow Pages by the feisty auntie of the VCD rental shop. I understand it is one of the job hazards and thankfully I owned the two Japanese serials which I had just completed watching. Currently, I am in the process of acquiring the various seasons of the X-Files from multiple sources around the world, hence, a breather for my reply to you.
Before I delve into the issue at hand, I thank you for describing my blog as 'critically acclaimed' and 'no one can beat your crap'. However, I will like to clear your misconceptions about my blog here.
First of all, to my knowledge, my blog is not 'critically acclaimed' as you said. Rather it has been critically complained before by the renowned and foremost complainer of recent times - Rayner. However, most of the time, I just treat his complaints as smelly farts to be blown away with a fan, rather than sucking it in, as you should too.
While I have to burst your dream of being a guest writer on a critically acclaimed blog, do note that I conduct quality control on all the entries. So rest assure you will not be posting entries on a tidak penting blog with no standards whatsoever.
On the second matter of 'no one can beat my crap', again you are misinformed. I am, but just a small blade of grass in this vast jungle of crapsphere. In the long road to the ultimate peak of the crapotology discipline, I am still taking those cute and adorable little baby steps. Hopefully, some rich, young and beautiful princess will be mesmerised by them and propose to me.
I am sure you must now be very anxious to know the outcome of my decision. Upon reviewing your requests, I have notice that most of them are pertaining to the material issues of you being a guest writer rather than the technical issues.
First, let me tackle the technical concerns you have raised. You mentioned that the regularity of one submission every two days is not viable for you due to your commitments. This I do not really understand since you currently possess the power of time freedom. Nevertheless, I am willing to sacrifice more of my time and brain cells to blog more so that you are only required to submit at least one entry per month.
Regarding the submission date, however, I am afraid it is necessary to impose a deadline so as to facilitate my own blogging schedule. In spite of this, I will allow you to set your own monthly submission deadlines, which you are required to inform me on the first of every month so I can plan ahead. As the submission deadlines are set by you, any failure to meet the deadline will be subjected to a monetary compensation of $20 per day.
I have also reassessed your request to push back the 6pm submission timing and find it to be reasonable. Therefore, I am pleased to inform you that the submission timing has been changed to 6.01pm. Again, should you fail to meet this timing, you will be subjected to a monetary compensation of $0.10 per minute until the maximum of $20 per day on your submission date.Now, let me address the material concerns you have brought across.
On the matter of your remuneration, I agree with you that you do need the help to lose those winter fat. However, while I can agree not to pay you peanuts, I need to reiterate the fact that my blog is non-profitable and as such, I cannot afford to pay you in broccoli. The only way I can pay you in broccoli is if you accept one of those tiny broccoli buds per word. By estimation, it means you will have to submit a substantial number of entries before being able to earn one stalk of broccoli.
As a good friend, I cannot allow you to be short changed for your efforts, even though you are an occasional guest writer on a financially challenged blog. For this reason, I will offer you the alternate remuneration of one bean sprout for every 5 words. For every entry judged to be of an impeccable standard, you will be given the incentive of two baby carrots.
I assure you this is an unquestionably win-win situation. For you, bean sprouts are healthy and full of vitamins. You can cook it with carrots, beancurd or salted fish as a dish, or you can use it as an ingredient with your noodles. For me, it is a cost saving measure, especially when I can get the mucus laden six years old brat living on the eighth floor to grow them for me.
On the subject of monetary compensation, do not look upon it as a money grubbing opportunity for me. Rather, it is an insurance that the rules and standards pertaining to this blog are adhered to.
Since the basis of submission dates has been adjusted, complaints about posting irregularity are unforeseen. On the other hand, you should take precaution during writing on your content. Any complaints lodged against the blogmaster on your entries content-wise, you will be subjected to a minimum of $2 per complaint, giving you the generous discount of 80% from the previous terms.
Extending my generosity further, I will waive all penalties from complaints brought about by the renowned and foremost complainer of recent times mentioned previously. This is beyond doubt an immense advantage to you as it will effectively filter out 99.99% of the complaints ever lodged on my blog.
I hope you have found my revised terms and conditions to be satisfactory and munificent in nature and I welcome a positive reply from you.
Your most sincere friend,
Cylee
Saturday, July 09, 2005
Yesterday
It was almost 3am in the morning. The air drafting about was chilly. I got up bleary-eyed from my room and trudged slowly to the toilet, intending to relieve myself of some burden sloshing about inside me.
As I walked towards the toilet, I heard faint voices around me. Terrible voices, as if they were in agony. Dim lights cast shadows in impossible corners, dancing in rhythm to the voices, seemingly ready to pounce on me. Am I dreaming? No, the internal pressure I was feeling from my urgent need definitely indicated I was very much conscious. I began to tremble, more from my need rather than the chills I was feeling inside me. So I hurried along.
The voices disappeared as I near the toilet and everything became quiet. Too quiet. However, I couldn't care less for there was a flood to be averted and I desperately need to save the livestock.
Just as I was washing my hands after releasing the dam, all of a sudden, a ghostly female voice pierced the air, pelting out an old song. Momentarily, the trickle of water from the tap seemed extreme loud. The air around me became denser as if trying to protect me. Little by little, I raised my sight from the basin and looked into the mirror, expecting to see a pallid figure in white sheet with soaked hair right behind me. Probably one that climbed out of the toilet bowl not a moment ago.
There was nothing.
Of course there was nothing. Silly. I was in the gents of a karaoke. Dim lightings are the norm. Terrible voices in agony, be it from the torturers or the tortured, are the norm. Heck, even an occasional ghostly sounding voice is the norm. Even me, Prince of Squeaks, Flat Notes and Out of Tune scare the socks off people with my singing more often than not. In fact, a laughing hyena gurgling on Listerine would have sounded like a Siren compared to me.
Naturally, I'm aware of my chart toppling ability to sing, so I don't usually accede to requests from my masochistic friends to join them at karaoke. At least not for the past six months, until yesterday.
Yesterday was, in a way, different. Partly because it was a belated birthday celebration and therefore an excuse for us boys to gather. Partly because we guys couldn't decide what to do.
We thought of watching a movie but there wasn't anything good on screen that one of us hadn't catch already. We thought of bowling or pool but there was some who objected. So we ended up at Esplanade . . . playing bridge.
Yup, very sad, I know. We just shifted from playing bridge at the void deck tables in our neighbourhood to playing bridge at a place more atas - the Esplanade. However, our emerging uncle nature didn't drop a bit. That was when the only un-uncle one among us, the only white collar professional among us suggested karaoke.
Hence, that was where we ended up. At a very ulu Party World branch in Chinatown tucked inside an eerie building, singing our hearts out and scaring the real ghouls away.
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
Letter from a sincere friend
Dear Jane,
It has come to my attention that passing time has been a dreadful pain for you at work recently, with your boss hiding in some cave writing his virgin inspirational book by the candlelight.
Did you inform him that the third cave from the right on the seventh peak in the fourth valley if he enters from the southern entrance of the Himalayas from Nepal has the best natural lighting? I am sure if you do, it will put you in his good book. If he gets lost in the Himalayas, you may even attempt a coup to take over the company.
I am genuinely happy for you that someone actually manages to dupe your boss away from the office. This means that you currently enjoy the power of time freedom which can almost rival mine.
However, I am sure Uncle Ben told you before in the cinema, 'With great power come great responsibilities.' If you have not heard it before, go rent the Spiderman DVD. He will then tell you on TV, with a few extra scenes thrown in.
Now, before you start pulling on your spandex suit and attempt to swing around in Taipei, stop. Spare the world from grief and an extra laughing stock, as that will be a misdirected use of your power. If you do not heed my advice and get caught, please do not say you are from Singapore.
I understand the vexed emotions you must be feeling with this new found power of time freedom. You have told a few of us that you are bored, and that there is a limit to how many entries you can write for your blog each day. Nevertheless, to email us jokes every two hours or so are again a misdirected application of your power and a failure of responsibilities.
As your good friend, I cannot permit you to degenerate like this. Hence, I hereby make you an offer you cannot resist. One which will spur your intellectual growth as it had spurred mine. One which will give you a figure you never dream of. One which will bestow you unbelievable brilliance in your eyes.
I hereby offer you the role of a guest writer on my blog.
Do not think of this as an easy job. Many brain cells will die in the process, but it does make room for cell renewal (intellectual growth). You will risk becoming a hunchback from long hours of sitting in front of the computer typing (dream figure). And you probably get blind from constantly facing the glaring monitor (brilliant eyes).
Despite these health risks, it is undeniably a job that will enhance your life and productively make use of your power of time freedom. While I agree it is still blogging, do note that the style and format of writing on this blog are irrefutably on a more crappish plane, and that is where the challenge lies.
Before I hear a resounding yes from you on this once in a lifetime opportunity, let me state down the basic rules as a guest writer.
1. Each entry must be at least worth an A4 page of words, at most font size 12 in the fonts of Century Gothic, Tahoma or Verdana. Any entry shorter than an A4 page will be deem lacking in content and rejected. Any words with font size larger than 12 will be consider cheating and rejected. Any fonts used aside from the three specified will be regarded as ugly and rejected.
2. Photos and accompanying images are allowed with the text. Photos and images sent must be of the highest quality and professional standard. However, photos and images are not to be regarded as substitutes for text space.
3. Every entry must contain elements of crappiness, humour and/or sarcasm. Jokes will be allowed as part of the entry with the following provisions;
a) Technical jokes are considered to be very low in humour and only appeal to people like your boyfriend and CC. Hence, you should refrain from making such jokes that require us to purchase an additional set-up or how-to manual. Instead, as the blogmaster (me) is from the humanities and social sciences stream, jokes must be economically, geographically, historically, socially, philosophically, psychologically, and politically grounded and relevant.
b) Jokes should also not be discriminating in ethnics or nationalities. The blogmaster will not be responsible if you are arrested by the Internal Security Department on the counts of inciting ethnic disharmony and international hatred towards Singaporeans. In fact, it is very daring of you to forward that joke to a policeman.
4. Entries must be submitted to the blogmaster for vetting before 6pm on submission dates. Entries must come in the regularity of one entry every two days. Should there be any complains about lack of updates by any reader during your tenure as a guest writer, you will be subjected to monetary compensation of not less than S$10 per complaints.
While my blog is non-profit, your efforts as guest writer will however not be materially in vain. Remuneration will be made on a per word basis, with each word entitling you to a peanut. Should your entry be judge of an impeccable standard, you will be rewarded with the bonus of a packet of branded peanuts of your choice (choice is limited to Camel's or Tong's Garden).
I hope that you will seriously consider this very good offer and you will decide to exercise your great responsibilities in the rightful manner. If you have any queries, please do not hesitate to contact me. I look forward to your favourable reply soon.
Your most sincere friend,
Cylee