Dear Jane,
It has come to my attention that passing time has been a dreadful pain for you at work recently, with your boss hiding in some cave writing his virgin inspirational book by the candlelight.
Did you inform him that the third cave from the right on the seventh peak in the fourth valley if he enters from the southern entrance of the Himalayas from Nepal has the best natural lighting? I am sure if you do, it will put you in his good book. If he gets lost in the Himalayas, you may even attempt a coup to take over the company.
I am genuinely happy for you that someone actually manages to dupe your boss away from the office. This means that you currently enjoy the power of time freedom which can almost rival mine.
However, I am sure Uncle Ben told you before in the cinema, 'With great power come great responsibilities.' If you have not heard it before, go rent the Spiderman DVD. He will then tell you on TV, with a few extra scenes thrown in.
Now, before you start pulling on your spandex suit and attempt to swing around in Taipei, stop. Spare the world from grief and an extra laughing stock, as that will be a misdirected use of your power. If you do not heed my advice and get caught, please do not say you are from Singapore.
I understand the vexed emotions you must be feeling with this new found power of time freedom. You have told a few of us that you are bored, and that there is a limit to how many entries you can write for your blog each day. Nevertheless, to email us jokes every two hours or so are again a misdirected application of your power and a failure of responsibilities.
As your good friend, I cannot permit you to degenerate like this. Hence, I hereby make you an offer you cannot resist. One which will spur your intellectual growth as it had spurred mine. One which will give you a figure you never dream of. One which will bestow you unbelievable brilliance in your eyes.
I hereby offer you the role of a guest writer on my blog.
Do not think of this as an easy job. Many brain cells will die in the process, but it does make room for cell renewal (intellectual growth). You will risk becoming a hunchback from long hours of sitting in front of the computer typing (dream figure). And you probably get blind from constantly facing the glaring monitor (brilliant eyes).
Despite these health risks, it is undeniably a job that will enhance your life and productively make use of your power of time freedom. While I agree it is still blogging, do note that the style and format of writing on this blog are irrefutably on a more crappish plane, and that is where the challenge lies.
Before I hear a resounding yes from you on this once in a lifetime opportunity, let me state down the basic rules as a guest writer.
1. Each entry must be at least worth an A4 page of words, at most font size 12 in the fonts of Century Gothic, Tahoma or Verdana. Any entry shorter than an A4 page will be deem lacking in content and rejected. Any words with font size larger than 12 will be consider cheating and rejected. Any fonts used aside from the three specified will be regarded as ugly and rejected.
2. Photos and accompanying images are allowed with the text. Photos and images sent must be of the highest quality and professional standard. However, photos and images are not to be regarded as substitutes for text space.
3. Every entry must contain elements of crappiness, humour and/or sarcasm. Jokes will be allowed as part of the entry with the following provisions;
a) Technical jokes are considered to be very low in humour and only appeal to people like your boyfriend and CC. Hence, you should refrain from making such jokes that require us to purchase an additional set-up or how-to manual. Instead, as the blogmaster (me) is from the humanities and social sciences stream, jokes must be economically, geographically, historically, socially, philosophically, psychologically, and politically grounded and relevant.
b) Jokes should also not be discriminating in ethnics or nationalities. The blogmaster will not be responsible if you are arrested by the Internal Security Department on the counts of inciting ethnic disharmony and international hatred towards Singaporeans. In fact, it is very daring of you to forward that joke to a policeman.
4. Entries must be submitted to the blogmaster for vetting before 6pm on submission dates. Entries must come in the regularity of one entry every two days. Should there be any complains about lack of updates by any reader during your tenure as a guest writer, you will be subjected to monetary compensation of not less than S$10 per complaints.
While my blog is non-profit, your efforts as guest writer will however not be materially in vain. Remuneration will be made on a per word basis, with each word entitling you to a peanut. Should your entry be judge of an impeccable standard, you will be rewarded with the bonus of a packet of branded peanuts of your choice (choice is limited to Camel's or Tong's Garden).
I hope that you will seriously consider this very good offer and you will decide to exercise your great responsibilities in the rightful manner. If you have any queries, please do not hesitate to contact me. I look forward to your favourable reply soon.
Your most sincere friend,
Cylee