Dear Jane,
I apologise for my tardiness in responding to your reply regarding my offer to you as a guest writer. I have been very busy lately with my part time job as a budding self employed film critic. In the past week, I had to complete my personal minimum quota of 12 movies and had loomed precariously close to the deadline several times.
In fact, my latest deadline is the end of today; otherwise I will risk being whack on the head with the Yellow Pages by the feisty auntie of the VCD rental shop. I understand it is one of the job hazards and thankfully I owned the two Japanese serials which I had just completed watching. Currently, I am in the process of acquiring the various seasons of the X-Files from multiple sources around the world, hence, a breather for my reply to you.
Before I delve into the issue at hand, I thank you for describing my blog as 'critically acclaimed' and 'no one can beat your crap'. However, I will like to clear your misconceptions about my blog here.
First of all, to my knowledge, my blog is not 'critically acclaimed' as you said. Rather it has been critically complained before by the renowned and foremost complainer of recent times - Rayner. However, most of the time, I just treat his complaints as smelly farts to be blown away with a fan, rather than sucking it in, as you should too.
While I have to burst your dream of being a guest writer on a critically acclaimed blog, do note that I conduct quality control on all the entries. So rest assure you will not be posting entries on a tidak penting blog with no standards whatsoever.
On the second matter of 'no one can beat my crap', again you are misinformed. I am, but just a small blade of grass in this vast jungle of crapsphere. In the long road to the ultimate peak of the crapotology discipline, I am still taking those cute and adorable little baby steps. Hopefully, some rich, young and beautiful princess will be mesmerised by them and propose to me.
I am sure you must now be very anxious to know the outcome of my decision. Upon reviewing your requests, I have notice that most of them are pertaining to the material issues of you being a guest writer rather than the technical issues.
First, let me tackle the technical concerns you have raised. You mentioned that the regularity of one submission every two days is not viable for you due to your commitments. This I do not really understand since you currently possess the power of time freedom. Nevertheless, I am willing to sacrifice more of my time and brain cells to blog more so that you are only required to submit at least one entry per month.
Regarding the submission date, however, I am afraid it is necessary to impose a deadline so as to facilitate my own blogging schedule. In spite of this, I will allow you to set your own monthly submission deadlines, which you are required to inform me on the first of every month so I can plan ahead. As the submission deadlines are set by you, any failure to meet the deadline will be subjected to a monetary compensation of $20 per day.
I have also reassessed your request to push back the 6pm submission timing and find it to be reasonable. Therefore, I am pleased to inform you that the submission timing has been changed to 6.01pm. Again, should you fail to meet this timing, you will be subjected to a monetary compensation of $0.10 per minute until the maximum of $20 per day on your submission date.Now, let me address the material concerns you have brought across.
On the matter of your remuneration, I agree with you that you do need the help to lose those winter fat. However, while I can agree not to pay you peanuts, I need to reiterate the fact that my blog is non-profitable and as such, I cannot afford to pay you in broccoli. The only way I can pay you in broccoli is if you accept one of those tiny broccoli buds per word. By estimation, it means you will have to submit a substantial number of entries before being able to earn one stalk of broccoli.
As a good friend, I cannot allow you to be short changed for your efforts, even though you are an occasional guest writer on a financially challenged blog. For this reason, I will offer you the alternate remuneration of one bean sprout for every 5 words. For every entry judged to be of an impeccable standard, you will be given the incentive of two baby carrots.
I assure you this is an unquestionably win-win situation. For you, bean sprouts are healthy and full of vitamins. You can cook it with carrots, beancurd or salted fish as a dish, or you can use it as an ingredient with your noodles. For me, it is a cost saving measure, especially when I can get the mucus laden six years old brat living on the eighth floor to grow them for me.
On the subject of monetary compensation, do not look upon it as a money grubbing opportunity for me. Rather, it is an insurance that the rules and standards pertaining to this blog are adhered to.
Since the basis of submission dates has been adjusted, complaints about posting irregularity are unforeseen. On the other hand, you should take precaution during writing on your content. Any complaints lodged against the blogmaster on your entries content-wise, you will be subjected to a minimum of $2 per complaint, giving you the generous discount of 80% from the previous terms.
Extending my generosity further, I will waive all penalties from complaints brought about by the renowned and foremost complainer of recent times mentioned previously. This is beyond doubt an immense advantage to you as it will effectively filter out 99.99% of the complaints ever lodged on my blog.
I hope you have found my revised terms and conditions to be satisfactory and munificent in nature and I welcome a positive reply from you.
Your most sincere friend,
Cylee